Before I accepted my crossdressing I would try to push it out of existence, reason it out, logic it out, let it go, whatever it takes to not have it rule my world. We all know how that works out.
Then, and not all at once, I let it in. I accepted. I embraced. I loved a part of me I previously hated.
But let me explain one fear that, for some, for me at least, prevented me from accepting this earlier...
I was brought up to believe a person had to be singular, whole, unbroken. I watched my parents and siblings praise others who had thier act together and reject others who didn't. So, like any human, I adopted the model I was presented.
Sadly, and thankfully, I never fit their box of singular, healed identity. I always felt a dual nature inside.
Now, to be clear, extra clear, I wasnt just afraid of letting "her" in. I was afraid that letting "her" in meant losing "him." Remember... I thought I had to be ONE thing only.
Thankfully, and Im not afraid to admit this now, I had a couple deep dives into my soul via psilocybin. 🍄
Im not recommending any type of experience for anyone. Im just recalling events that helped me begin to understand and accept all of me and not just part.
My first trip, I asked myself many questions and found a lot of peace about accepting this part of me. My second trip, I asked more questions and began to accept "him" too (my masculine form.)
The fear is (was) that one must make way for the other. The fear is that pressure from well meaning folks makes you do things you didnt want to just to fit in. The fear is that youre still split and un-healed.
But the truth, my truth, is that I love that I can be masculine and feminine. I love picking up a heavy object, fixing a shingle on a roof, and opening doors for others. I love driving and shaping and growing a business. I love protecting my family.
AND...
I love slipping into satin pink panties and a lacy bra. Donning a wig and eyelashes, shopping for outfits that give form to openness and vulnerability. I love walking in heels. I love talking to open minded people about feeling deep emotion and sensation. I love the beating heart of the woman inside me.
I can be healed and whole by being ALL the things that make me. I dont have to choose.
This, is, at its core, why crossdressing is harder to accept than transitioning. Society wants singular. They want well defined, easy to identify characters surrounding. Thats not something to fight against. You cant win anyway. And, in my book, and through my experiences, its not a great focus.
Its better for me to accept society and work on me. When I bring a less reactive version of me to the people I love, they have a chance to be less reactive too.
You can take anything or leave everything from this. I write for me, mostly, to observe and honor my journey. I enjoy the processes, the unfolding and refolding of my physical and metaphorical wardrobes.
I have two lives and I enjoy them both and believe they are worth protecting. If I have energy for both, and sometimes I dont, I will embrace them. When I dont, im sure I'll find my default in the more practiced. But even that, I can accept and enjoy. Life is too short to fuss for too long.
Live happy
Juliet🥰
#crossdressing #crossdresser #crossdresserlife #crossdresserjourney #crossdressingacceptance #selfacceptance #selfdiscovery #selflove #genderexpression #genderidentity #feminineside #masculineside #femininity
